Saturday, February 16, 2013

Things I wish I could say to Customers. But Can't

First of all. I'm still sick with laryngitis, but otherwise I feel like this:


Next. I have to deal with customers all day long.
This is how I feel about them.

So here are some tidbits of what I wish I could say sometimes, but would NEVER EVER actually say. 
It would be so rude (or weird)
I have a very sarcastic mind so half of my thoughts are rude.
I'm not proud that I think these things, but...
They're true.
If you ever worked in retail... at a grocery store, please tell me I'm not crazy.

"Please take a shower."
"I'm sorry, did the way I asked how you were doing piss you off?"
"If you have such complex demands about how you want your groceries bagged, do it yourself."
"I'm not your personal slave."
"Smoking kills."
"You were cute until you ordered cigarettes."
"When your money gets sucked under because you put it on the belt, don't complain to me."
"Shut up, shut up, shut up."
"Really? Alcohol this early in the morning?"
"Aren't you in a chipper mood today."
"You look like a pedophile."
"Let me just remove all your items from the basket for you, I don't have a job to do or anything."
(When my till is open and I'm counting  money with no customers and someone approaches and asks, 'Are you coming or going?')
1. "Staying? Is that an option?"
2. "My light was on...so..."
3. "Am I allowed to leave? That would be nice."
"Thanks for telling me I looked bored while waiting for someone. I just abhor any free moments."
"Please don't come through my line. Please, please, please."
"You're really attractive. A ring? *sigh* Never mind."
"I could parent those children better than you."
"You're friggan nuts, dude."
"Don't roll your eyes at me, lady."
"I would love to undo the groceries I bagged in plastic because you forgot your bags until the end."
"Why isn't deodorant in your pile of groceries?"
"Do you REALLY need that extra box of twinkies?"
"Aren't you a bitter old lady."
"You have rotten children."
"Can I marry you?"
"Yes. My whole life revolves around you, so your wish is my command."
"WHY DOES PARSLEY AND CILANTRO LOOK SO SIMILAR?!"
"How is this too heavy? There's a carton of strawberries in it. You should probably work out."
"Milk is heavier when it is bagged, sir. It won't be easier to carry up 3 flights of stairs."
"Aw, you finally get to go home after a long day at work? I'm closing at 11, so... no..."
"I'm not a stripper. Don't throw money at me."
"You should probably learn English."
"I look angry? Maybe it's because I have to deal with idiots like you every day."
"RED BASKETS GO IN THE RED BASKET CONTAINER. DO I LOOK LIKE A RED BASKET CONTAINER TO YOU?!"
"I HAVE LARYNGITIS. I AM NOT DEAF."
"Is it necessary to review your receipt in my line so no one else can pay for their groceries?"
"Move. Move before I make you."
"You're a creepy old man, don't make me call the cops."



I think that's it.
The end.
Any Agreeance?

SarcasticSmiles,
Leslie

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